


matilda

by strangesmallbard



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Stream of Consciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-02-03 20:47:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1756663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangesmallbard/pseuds/strangesmallbard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"anything. anything is a small word but it has big meanings. anything is everything and everything crawls under kira’s skin like spiders because she wants to know and understand everything."</p>
            </blockquote>





	matilda

**Author's Note:**

> because kira manning is a lizard psychic genius who studies organic chem for light reading and i’m curious about what’s going on in her head.

**i.**   **numbers**

two-plus-two equals four, take away the two from the four and you get two, take away the four from the two and you get two minus,  _negative_ _two_  was the right way to say it. mrs. s told her before she started kindergarten. two  _times_  two is four also. four times four is sixteen.

 _sixteen times sixteen is?_  her teacher asks with very wide eyes, lightly holding kira’s wrist, like kira knows something she doesn’t. which is very strange, because kira was six and her teacher  _was_  a lot older than that, and don’t grown ups know a lot more than six year olds? she stares at her hands for a second. imagines the numbers splayed out on her palm,  _sixteen times sixteen._  two-five-six. the numbers form like knife-spoon-fork. three things that work together to form something new. she says them and her teacher lets go of her wrist, like it burned her.

they ask her about more numbers. they bring in mrs. s and talk to her. (mommy was gone by then or they would have talked to mommy.) she's drawing when they talk to her, she draws  _mommy with man with the hat, mommy walking down the street_. she smiles because mommy is okay. but she doesn't like the man. he makes mommy not okay. when mommy isn’t okay, kira’s tummy feels funny.

when they leave, mrs. grabs her hand and says  _don’t multiply any more big numbers at school, love. you can do it all you want at home, and i’ll teach you anything you want._

anything. anything is a small word but it has  _big meanings_. anything is everything and everything crawls under kira’s skin like spiders because she wants to know and understand  _everything._

_why not? they said i was special._

_you are special, love._ a smile. specialspecialspecial. the word rattles around in kira’s head. she writes it on her palm later, and she sees angels in her head. why does she see angels? she’s special, what’s that really?

 _and they might take advantage of that._  ad-vant-age. another big word. she meant, they might hurt kira. kira can read between mrs. s’s smile when she’s not telling the whole truth. it makes her angry, that she’s still so small that mrs. s thinks she can’t know anything. not about mommy, who’s hurting. not even about what uncle felix’s job is, and that’s silly. 

_oh._

a pause. they walk and walk.

_can we go to the park?_

* * *

**ii. angel**

she hears helena like one hears a heartbeat.

she doesn't know  _who_ it is, but there is someone at the door. someone mommy doesn’t want to see. she sneaks downstairs. she’s good at sneaking because she knows all the floorboards that don’t creak. she’s mapped them out in her head like she maps out big numbers.

the door creeps closer and closer and she hears  _beat beat beat_ , and her breath, very loud and she  _knows_  with everything inside her that mommy would want her to go away, far away. but she’s curious. the heart beat sounds sad. like it’s crying. like it’s been crying ever since it started beating. 

when she sees the blond hair she understands  _angels_. helena is the flash of blond hair she sees sometimes, feels in the fabric of the world. the crying is still there and the woman smiles. like kira is an angel.

she can feel that helena has suffered. that word stops her in her tracks. suffering. she imagines suffocating. that was must be what suffering is, because she’s never used the word herself.

 _what happened to you, helena?_  

 _i don’t know_. 

she feels the heartbeat searching for hers and she hugs helena, because sometimes angels need hugs, especially angels that someone tried to make into a monster. 

* * *

**iii. bad feeling**

_do you ever have a bad feeling about something, mommy?_

_sure, monkey._  

mommy says she does, but she she doesn’t think mommy  _really_  does. does mommy feel all the hairs on her neck stand up, a great big chill,  _right_  before the bad thing happens? does she see people and instead sees the bad things they want to do written all across their face, in the way they walk, in their bones?

do they hear  _beat, beat beat_  and know someone is there?

she wants to ask, but. she doesn’t know exactly what she’s asking.

she wants to say _tell me what you’re not telling me_ and  _i can protect myself_ , but she might already know, at least the edges of the truth, and she might not be able to.

kira’s still a kid, afterall. but she wishes she weren’t. then maybe someone would  _tell_  her why she had to go to the birdhouse, why mommy has so many sisters, why mommy had to leave her with daddy, why why why.

(kira’s a leopard, not a monkey.)

* * *

  **iv. powers**

_am i the real matilda, mrs. s?_

_from the movie?_

_the book too!_

_why do you say that?_

_because matilda can count big numbers in her head and reads grown up books._

(and wants to understand big things about the world that people say she can’t, wants to understand everything.)

_you might be. can you move things with your mind?_

(a giggle)  _i might be able to! but i guess i’m not a lot like matilda. her mommy and a daddy were mean to her. but in the end, ms. honey became her family, her real family that protects her and loves her. and i’ve got you and mommy and uncle felix as a family. to protect me._

(they can’t protect her forever, maybe they’ll understand one day.)

_yes love._

* * *

  **v. book**

the book has funny writing on it.

she gets that this is the answer. she doesn’t know the question, exactly. but she  _knows._ she follows the big words with her finger and the loopy script on the side and feels this all-encompassing  _knowing_  and she giggles because professor duncan drew a funny picture next to one of them.

he’s funny. he looks at her like those teachers did. with lots and lots of big eyes. she doesn’t trust him but she knows he’s important. his heartbeat is sad, like helena’s, but frantic, like he’s running out of time. but he gave her this book. this must mean he wants her to know everything. he might be the first person to realize she could figure it out.

she stares at the big words until they make sense. she stares at the drawings, the non-funny ones and remembers all about  _dna_  and  _chromosomes_  and  _cells._ mrs. s taught her biology after school (and more big words that she can keep by her desk, and reads her books that aren’t from the kid’s section,) because she wanted to know more about them and she had wanted to ask her teacher to lend her the big book on the bookshelf with all the diagrams and tiny print, but mrs. s said they could hurt her. and mrs. s has lots of secrets. but mrs. s doesn’t lie.

she connects the dots in her head, fork-spoon-knife, two-five-six, and oh.  _sarah._  this is mommy’s dna. this the map of mommy’s  _genetic data_. but aunt cosima’s was the last page. and aunt cosima’s was the  _same_.

_samesamesame_

she remembers the story about a sheep. the sheep who was created out of another sheep. mrs. s printed the story for her, because  _you’ve been interested in biology, love, i thought you would like this._

clones.

_mommy is a clone._

she drops the book, like it burned her. 


End file.
